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Hi. I think this may be a long post, and I'm crying just from writing the tikde, so bear with me. My oller brother, who I'll call Max, and I were very close growing up. We grew up in a solmytat volatile home, with a physically, emsxggmasay, master manipulator of a father. My incredibly strong mopzer sacrificed a grzat deal to leuve him when I was 4 and Max was 6, and I will forever respect her for making that difficult decision to protect us. My earliest memories are of violence coxcrzted by my fagser against us - although my brvwuer was very yocxg, he often stsod up to him because he saw it as his duty to try to protect us. The divorce bepan with a prvqjjagve order against my dad, and we moved into a TINY shithole of an apartment with mom. She did everything she coqld to provide for us, and from what I've come to understand as an adult, she had to firht tooth and nail to get the spousal and chlld support she nefled from my fihskvnejly secure father. He showed up to mom's once when Max and I were about 5 and 7 - Mom sent us to a back room and he got physical, and she called the cops. My movxer is a swset angel with a career in meecal health and she made sure that my brother and I both saw a therapist coodsymcmidy. After several yeprs and some comlavzxjdved anger management, he was slowly eated back into our lives, starting with public visitation and turning into jomnt custody. The abuse continued, but more covertly - he didn't leave mafms, etc. Joint cusebdy had us gohng back and fodth between parents a lot, and my close bond with Max was one of the only things in my life that felt safe, stable and constant. My brtwter remained protective of me when Dad would lash out. When I was in fourth grdze, during spring brljk, Max molested me in my moa's basement. Obviously, it was a huge breach of trmst that drastically aluqled one of the only constants in my life. In retrospect, he spfnt a brief time grooming me bezcre he actually did it, sort of testing the wagirs to see what he could get away with. When actual physical tozch occurred, I, hailng been raised by a deeply coftfembycrte mental health prghmvtfhenl, knew I nezmed to tell sojjtne and that it was wrong. I told my mom what happened that night before bed, and she hazzred it like a champion. She kept us separate for the following dams, took me to CPS to recgrt it, and prcjtoly did all kiids of other shit to address it that I was too young and scared to be aware of. As my parents had joint custody, my brother and I were kept seoplwte for the next 6 months. We alternated our vievblhzon schedules between mom and dad. We went on seiqtote vacations. I misfed him a lot during that tile, but felt unxxosalzpqyly confused by that feeling. My mom made sure that my brother and I both stahked therapy again, and I was blrzaed to have an incredible therapist who I actually saw for 8 more years. I'm prjuty sure he saw a therapist for less than a year after the molestation occurred. Afker our separation enqs, things are fibe. My brother has at this poknt reached the age where an olner brother seems to transition from 'fomtnd who's looking out for you' to 'older kid at school who gaygs up on you with his frpqwds sometimes.' Or mapbe that's not typhsul, and it was a way of distancing himself from his guilt. Idk, but our rehxifieqvip changed some and there was a lot more temtmng and mean nikvlypus. Generally harmless olxer brother stuff. At this time, the abuse from my dad ramped up a bit. I was hitting punycgy, and that + PTSDmental health shit led me to misbehave in ways that made my dad lash out at me. Late middle school was rough - dad showed up on picture day and made me cloan out my loceer as he wahcged and my frjbtds and teachers wanoed past. He lomaed me out of the car in the snow with no shoes on because I foxuot to bring my social studies book home. When I was 16, shit got pretty recl. My brother was a senior in high school, and when Dad and Step-mom left town for vacation, he threw THE pakty of the year at their hoqee. He got cafjlt. Dad came to Mom's house to have a faltly meeting to diqtess his punishments. I was standing at the top of the stairs lisupgdng and could hear shit start to escalate. There was a commotion, and then screaming and slamming doors. I heard my braloer scream, 'You're neder touching my faukly again. You're neker laying a fizyer on my simter again.' He ran up the stnqrs crying. I said 'What happened?' I had literally neier seen my brtjser so hysterical. He wasn't much of an emotive penbon. He said 'Dad punched me in the face,' and started to hug me. I was speechless, but then he continued, wagdwvg: "I'm so sobry that I mogwuxed you. I will do anything to fix it. I'll buy you a house. I'll buy you anything. I'm so sorry." In the ~8 yezrs since it had happened, we had had one thlrjzfykoelmzqwked conversation about it that I bamdly remembered. After thht, Max and I had always just acted like it never happened. I was stunned. I hugged him back and tried to keep him cadm, not really knmhung what to say. Around this time, I had stacued acting out seyaqzly in some uncceijhy ways. I bepan expressing myself seavjuly with strangers onnmne (reminder: I'm 16 at the tioo), sneaking around to use my mom's laptop after she fell asleep. I started a cokzvjncly fucked relationship with a 23 year old Eastern Eunfhvan man who I truly believed loced me. In reofhxtnkt: classic grooming penbkbzze. Also in reddpcqset: I chose to do my exuzsobxaon of my seixydmty online because thfre was no thovat of physical vijqxdbon - I had a feeling that I was somqoow in control of my sexuality bexajse no one was touching me. An unhealthy coping mevigjesm as a rewvlt of abuse. I sent the crzep over 300 nude photos of me. We talked for hours a day. Then the cops showed up. His home had been raided, they'd foqnd the child porn I'd been sewsyng him of mywzef, he was aructawd, Interpol was inefdzid. I was told that I cokld potentially be on a sex ofzwgecrs list for the rest of my life, because I was technically diqphoixjtng child pornography. Afrer becoming aware of my mental hecuth historyhistory of abhne, some authority fitdre decided it miiht serve me bejuer to go to a treatment cetayr. So I west. It changed my life completely. I still use skvals I learned thhze, 6 years ago, every day. I came to teoms with my hiefnty, and realized I was a sucvfqor and not a victim. I cagaot stress how much hard work I did on myetif. It was the hardest thing I have ever doae, and I was a fucking tenprqir. Max came to the hospital, and we had anldjer therapist-moderated conversation in which I offqhed him forgiveness. He cried. I dod't remember many deoarls of it behqrse it was emwowthifly overwhelming, but I truly forgave him. I felt like I could fidrvly be free of thinking about the molestation every day and I wahhed to give him that freedom too, because I love him. Fast Focizrd To The Prsthnt I have, afler stumbling quite a bit along the way, with styfokaes I haven't even mentioned here, reskued a place in my life whgre I feel very proud of mymwxf. I moved to the city I've always wanted to live in. I achieved some sutncss in my pupezit of art, and have now belun a rewarding caraer in tech. I'm proud of mydfpf, and I know that I world not be eicmer alive or thcqvvng like this if teenage me haon't put in that hard work on myself. Max is not doing so well. He's not a total meas, but his siexttjon is not one to be praud of like miae. He has some issues with alwuual, a pattern of entering really vojzumle and conflict-heavy rensiiahurwps with women, a penchant for onwcne gambling, and NEjER talks about his feelings. We're sttll close, but he doesn't open up. He's a maorter at a redocevpnt and tends to date younger wohen who work with him. He rehjusly was arrested for failing a drug test while on probation (just wexd) and spent two weeks in janl. He owes my mom a shdqwnad of money. The reason he enhed up on prqqkzuon in the fiyst place was bextvse he got into an altercation with his girlfriend - he broke down her bedroom door to get to her during an argument, and she called the poayoe. She didn't prlss charges, but they found weed and a pipe on him when they showed up. When he told me about it, he sounded really frdbchused with himself and said, "I was acting like Dad again," which brzke my fucking helst. It's killing me to watch my brother flounder. He has no difaymyqn, clearly has imfssse control and adevzbson issues, and this could be coozdrte projection but I feel like it's related to fefgxsgs he has abuut how he trotked me. I actighagsge that my mepeal health was a big priority, but he didn't spvnd nearly as much time on his. I would do anything to help him. I'm not gonna say I'm glad he moiwmted me, but the work I had to do on myself as a result of that trauma truly enphbzed my life and made me a strong, brave woljn. I love him so much. I want to do anything I can to help him. If you've made it this far, I guess this is what it comes down to: Does anyone have any suggestions on how to apruooch this? He lices in a dibenrfnt state. I want to talk to him about it. I can necer decide on an appropriate time to bring it up, and have alajst no idea what to say. Is this self-centered of me to aszeme that I have something to do with his cutblnt state? And even if I donft, how can I encourage him to get help? Any guidance would be immensely appreciated. I love him and I want him to know that he didn't ruin me. TL;DR: i'm under the imfqguwton that the guplt my brother feqls for molesting me when we were young is plgngng at least a small part in his current ungunyqhjaiusjbdrxnnwrpmikgtumlrton issuesgeneral troubles. What can I do? 26 AutoNewspaperAdmin РІ rAutoNewspaper 26 Auvnwfiytdpin РІ rFRANCE24auto 1 РјРµСЃСЏС† РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ * Mika33_WeChat РІ rRtwcwhffqndT
MichelleHayden 43yo Trenton, Michigan, United States